Knotted in a Bow
"Are you saying yes to the dress?"
"let's put some more white on,"
"no , thank you."
And I stood facing myself down,
spinning in quiet revolt, straining
in a mass of tule,
to elicit the tears, oh ode to joys
of being a bride,
of weaning from the moon alas,
and making love with the sun.
"I'll think about it. Thank you."
But my mind slipped, and I found I was there again,
where the mood turned sour,
Where the white bled as dark as red,
and my mother's lips breathed,
"I just wish, he would find a job."
"I don't understand."
"You will not find my support here."
And as I search up and down these white fields,
For the satin that will cover my skin,
And blanch my impure soul,
I pause.
"And what about this one?"
"What do you think of this neckline, miss?"
I'll never miss the old me,
Whose colors didn’t match my skin,
Without seeing the light through his eyes,
Without the him that makes me whole.
"...engaged..."
"Let's cheers to the new bride."
to being engaged to the present,
to dress shopping, to swarming in white,
dreaming of rainbow petals,
loose giggles dropping from picture frames,
lemon cheer.
But my flute is empty,
and at the bottom, I feel so much.
"and how do you think you will pay for this?"
"How is he going to support you?"
"Is he the reason, you have not finished school?"
It's all tainted with doubt.
engaged...
locked on the eyes of the man I love,
the one that has me floating ,
On the futures , we swam in together,
and I told him,
"I just want to be with you.
I don't care if we have no money,
if we spend half our lives chasing
if our union is in a tent
on a rainy day, in a ripped dress
I'll follow you anywhere."
engaged ...
entangled with the warmth of his heart,
the arrangement of sapphire flakes in his eyes
"You okay, dear?"
"There is no pressure to pick one today."
to pick the me, that is me without my mom,
to choose a style that flatters the me and him,
and not her, the world before him.
"Oh goodness, dear."
"What is wrong, honey?"
in a muddy puddle of white,
drenched to the bone, because
"nothing,"
will be easy,
about becoming new,
with white frill to cover my heart's unease,
at celebrating my future,
without the blessings of my past,
“Do you not love yourself?
Is that why you are with him?
Do you think you can change him?”
I’m lost in white, searing white,
If she coaxed my heart into beating,
If she felt herself in me at all,
Why, could she not see me now?
How tall I had grown under his water
How do I know myself,
When the woman,
I always loved,
With my chin tilted up in her direction,
Cannot be amongst these white horizons,
I see now?
How can I know myself?
Which neckline is me?
Which fabric spells my name,
When she shattered the foundation of me?
Soon I will be married to a harmony,
A man that holds me,
Holds something
That is often adrift in me,
I will clasp his hand, pull on his strength,
And engage with these white moments,
Engage with him,
Where burdens cannot muddy ,
My pure intentions.
“Will you be trying on any more, ma’am?”
“No. Not today.”
